quiet

so i was going to write this long blog about tonight and what has been going on this past week, but now i'm too angry to even write anything that intelligent. 

question: why ask my advice when you have every intention of ignoring it? 

question: why do you call me a whore/cunt/stupid bitch, and then try to be my friend?

question: how could you think that you were just a hookup? do i seem that shallow to you?

question: is this for real, or will this all disappear into fantasy?

i would love to know the answers to all these questions. but no one has them. 

"i cant shake this little feeling

that i'll never get anything right"

conscientiously ignoring the conscience

i wonder if i am going to far with a certain area of my thought life. like, i have an opportunity to be with someone who tends to dominate my thoughts alot lately. but there are complications. im not going to go into detail about these complications, but they are pretty major. 

how do i ignore a connection? i'm not really sure i can. but i also don't want to make things harder for him. so where do i go from here?

wait. be patient. see where the road takes us. 

guh. i'm not good at that....

i dont even know if i believe in the "conscience," per se. i used to think that was supposed to be God whispering in my ear, guiding to the right thing to. but, so many people claim to act on what that "still, small voice" is telling them, when in the end all they end up doing is making as ass of themselves...

c'mon, don't act like you haven't see that first hand. you know you have.

so what is the alternative? 

live for the moment?

look out for #1?

put others first?

jump and hope you don't fuck it up?

personally, i like the last one. but it seems selfish, even as i read it. there must a balance to this. but where is the middle ground? personally, i don't like gray areas. they are hard for me to find and even harder to remain in. 

losing faith

sometimes i wonder if "God" is really ever listening. 

i grew up like any other conservative christian. i have heard all the scriptures and sang all the songs and felt all the "good vibes" that you are supposed to feel. yet, as i get older, i wonder if that all wasn't a lie. a convincing, well-constructed lie, but still a lie. a lie to make "bad" people feel better about themselves and "good" people feel like they are entitled to judging others for their mistakes. 

i do believe that there is... something... out there. but just take a look around. 

good, god-fearing people die, though they asked for protection.

the church discriminates against individuals who are simply trying to be true to themselves.

condemnation and judgement are thrown around like leaves during Fall.

hearts are broken

souls are hewn 

all in the name of God? where is Christ in that? 

who was Jesus? the whole "son of God" thing aside, he was an amazing teacher and friend. he accepted everyone, showing them love they had never known before. he avoided the religious leaders, thinking them entirely too high minded and proud. he guided and corrected with love and patience, never making anyone feel alone or unimportant. 

how often do we actually see that today? i often find that mentality more in my un-churched friends. 

so where does this leave us? well, shit happens. but i am past the point of blindly accepting the inevitable, leaving it up to fate or the will of a far off god. this only leaves room for more ignorance and bad behavior. 

i do think we should all strive to be better. but not so we can put ourselves under some religious label. Jesus, Ghandi, Buddha, MLK Jr.... we can learn so much from their lives. why strive for heaven and perfection, when, instead, we could simply strive to make each other's lives better? not through religion or a set of rules meant to make the world better, but through love. because in the end, aren't we all longing for someone to love us? someone who can look at us and our mistakes, and still be there to pick us up and encourage us. 

i don't think anyone can say that some part of them doesn't look for that every minute of every day. 

walk in someone else's shoes. you might be surprised at how much you learn.

overview

It's time to begin. 

My name is Rush Carolina. I am a twenty year old female. I enjoy music, movies, books, and being completely myself to everyone around me. 

I am also an activist in the LGBTQA community. My community. In the town where I currently reside, this is entirely unacceptable. 

Members of my community usually live one of two ways.

1. They live in fear that their friends/family/classmates/co-workers/etc. will discover that they are LGBTQ, thus resulting in judgement and persecution, or, for the people who live in this town, possible expulsion from the self-proclaimed "loving and welcoming" college they chose to attend. 

2. They are already out to the people around them and are living the experiences I just mentioned. 

Now, these are just brief overviews, of course. And admittedly, their are people who support their LGBTQ family. However, the fact that this kind of discrimination happens at all is a call for action. 

All walks of life deserve equality and freedom to be who they are. Who are you to judge them? Which areas of your life cause you to crave acceptance and understanding? 

To all those who feel condemned, we are here.